Defining You

I’ve met quite a number of people who are brilliant, funny, and successful in their chosen paths – they seem to have it all – and yet I’m always shocked when those same people are insecure.

Don’t get me wrong…we all have occasional self-doubt. But I’m talking about full-blown insecurity.

To be honest, it baffles me. Because at its heart, isn’t insecurity all about caring too much about what others think? And I guess it surprises me that people who have it together in so many parts of their lives still struggle with insecurity.

To me, it all comes back to defining you. Are you going to define yourself and your life or are you going to let what others think about you define you?

So let’s think this through…

Next time you’re feeling insecure, take a moment to notice what tape is playing in your head? “Oh my God, they’re going to think I’m an idiot?” Or perhaps, “Do they think I’m incompetent?” Or maybe just plain old “They don’t like me.”

Notice the trend? It’s all about what “they” are going to think.

OK, now this may be hard to accept, but I’m going to tell you right now that it doesn’t matter one lick what “they” think. “They” probably don’t even know how to run their own lives, let alone yours. It’s time to start saying “Fuck what they think!” and time to start trusting in you. Time to recognize that you know what’s best for you.

So when you’re having a moment of insecurity, that frenetic panic that sets your mind racing, see it for what it is – a moment in which you feel unsure of yourself. It is OK to feel unsure. That is the time to take a calming breath and accept that you feel uncertain. You can even say it aloud. “I feel uncertain.” Then ask yourself, “What is making me feel like this?”

If the answer is anything that starts with “They…” then it’s time for some self talk. Tell yourself that “they” aren’t the ones running your life, you are. No I’m not an idiot. And no I’m not incompetent. And maybe they won’t like me, but I will survive if they don’t. In fact, I will thrive. Even if someone doesn’t like me. Even if it hurts.

Sometimes we feel insecure not just because of what others may think, but also because we’re unsure or uncomfortable with a decision we’re making.

If that’s the case, ask yourself if this decision is going against your moral fiber or if it’s just out of your comfort zone. If it’s going against your moral code, then you need to make a different choice, even if it’s tough to do. But in most cases, it’s more that it’s out of your comfort zone. And to that I say “Stretch!”

You can say that out loud to yourself as well. “OK. It’s time to stretch!”

Yes, stretching is going to feel uncomfortable. And when you’re changing and growing into a new definition of yourself, people who are used to the old you are going to get uncomfortable and they may have commentary. Again you just have to ask yourself if this is right for you. If it is, those around you will eventually get used to the new you, or they may fall away from your life for a while, or perhaps forever. This is an occasional unfortunate side effect of growing and changing, but really, don’t you want the important people in your life to support your growth?

Now I get that sometimes you want to bounce thoughts and ideas off your friends or co-workers. That’s fine, but rather than defaulting to the negative feedback tape if they see things differently than you, ask yourself if their comments resonate with you. Maybe they do, maybe they don’t. If you’re honest with yourself and find that someone’s thoughts don’t resonate with yours, don’t beat yourself up for having a different feeling about something. Recognize that you’re two entirely different beings with two different sets of life experience and no matter how close you are, you’re not going to agree on everything.

The bottom line is that it’s time to start defining yourself differently. As the strong and positive and powerful individual that I know you can be. Start changing the way that you talk to yourself every day. Eventually positivity will become a new and powerful habit and you will have redefined yourself in one of the most important ways a human being can.

So go ahead. Define yourself.

What are you going to change today?