When people ask me about myself, there are a number of things that I share with them…that I’m a mom – a single mom – and I work full time as an editor to pay the bills. Plus I blog here and write about house, home, and design over at Homage Style. At least that’s the story I tell everyone.
But lately I’ve been thinking more about the real story.
And it begs the question…who am I?
Honestly, I’m not really sure. Because like so many women, I’ve spent my entire adult lifetime devoted to meeting other peoples’ needs. Being a wife, being a mom, being a model employee, being a contributor to the household income to keep the whole financial boat afloat.
Of course, I’m not here to say that any of those things aren’t important. All of them are important. But not more important than caring for myself and my own needs too.
So what’s the real story?
The story begins over 20 years ago. I met my husband just a month after I moved to New York City to pursue a master’s degree in opera performance. I realized after a year in grad school that it wasn’t for me and decided drop out, but still pursue a career in opera. Right around that same time I moved in with the man whom I would eventually marry. I got a full-time job, got married, and began to share the interests of my husband. It wasn’t long before we moved to southern California on a whim.
Soon I realized that opera wasn’t for me, and while I was walking away from that talent and the only real interest I had known, I never took the time to explore my own dreams and desires, but rather filled that void with caring for others. First my husband, followed soon by my first child. Working at jobs I didn’t love, especially painful since I desperately wanted to stay home with my daughter. More time spent jumping through all sorts of hoops to round up consulting work that I didn’t love, but that allowed me to spend more time with my little girl, who was growing up before my eyes. Then after another couple of years my son came along and more finagling to balance being a wife, mother, and contributor to the family finances. Not really spending any time at all figuring out what I wanted from my life. And a lot of life happening in the meantime.
Cognitive dissonance set in. My marriage was rocky and I wasn’t happy. Not the type to give up on my marriage, especially with young children, I decided to try to figure out who I wanted to be when I grow up. Maybe not knowing who I wanted to be when I grew up was contributing to the general malaise in my marriage, so I decided to try to improve myself in an effort to improve my life.
I began to explore my creative side, which was great, because I discovered a passion for homes and creating a unique and beautiful home. That was a great self discovery, but it was just one single interest.
More life began to happen as it always does, and before you know it, my self discovery was on hold for a move back home to the Midwest, followed by illness, a financial downspiral due to my inability to work and my husband being out of work. All of which further stressed an already fragile marriage, and while my husband eventually found work and I eventually got healthy and also found work, our marriage did not get healthy and did not work.
More life racing past me…first dealing with the shock and drama of the breakup of a marriage of 20 years, then figuring out how to support myself and the kids on not enough money. Soon that stress leveled out and then it was time for my daughter to go away to college. More dealing with change and trying to figure out how to live on zero dollars and zero cents per month, because college is really expensive. Followed by my son hitting the preteen years and not needing mom so much anymore. Eventually I got used to all of that as well. Seems I’m good at coping and making things happen.
Suddenly, and really where this entire story is leading, over the past couple of months I’ve realized that the drama and stress in my life has simmered down a bit and I am left with myself. With no interests of my own, except for the love of home and decor. So I blog. But I’m discovering that’s not enough. I need more in my life. And I don’t really know where to begin.
While this may seem like a depressing story, it really isn’t. All of my dreams haven’t come true – in facts some of the really important ones, like being a full-time stay-at-home mom forever and having a good life-long marriage, went down the drain – I’ve still had a good life. I have amazing and healthy children, I have good memories from the years gone by, and I am fortunate to have a good job, so that I can support myself and my children.
Even though I don’t have a clue about what my other interests are or what I might like to do with my spare time, I am going to get comfortable with this feeling of empty vessel-ness. I am going to find a way to expand my world – build new friendships and nurture new interests. And over time, I will fill the empty vessel.
Hindsight being 20/20, I see now that what I should have done over the course of my adult life was to take some time to get to know me. Get to know what my interests are. Figure out who I want to be when I grow up and decide what kind of people I want to spend time with and then seek those people out. I should have nurtured my own soul and hopes and dreams, and not just those of the people that I was living with. It’s called self care.
But I didn’t know any better. I thought I was supposed to give everything away. One day I woke up alone with nothing much in my heart to call my own and realized that I had to find time for myself. And because I suspect that many women are like me, I am sharing this story. You don’t have to go through illness or a divorce to suddenly realize that you need and deserve a life of your own. Frankly, I don’t even think that you need to be unhappy to figure that out.
So join me in this quest to discover your awesome self. Do it for you. It’s OK.
Maybe we won’t know what steps to take to get there, but we can at least start walking.
In the end, I’m beginning to believe that I will have more to offer the ones I love if I am a more fulfilled person. I’ll be adding to their lives, not subtracting. Most importantly, I’ll be expanding my world.
So who am I?
I am an empty vessel waiting to be filled.