Suffering in silence

Suffering. It’s a universal theme. Depression. Sadness. Loneliness. Health issues. Physical pain. Loss. Grief.

We’ve all experienced some sort of suffering and some have struggled more than others.

And while suffering is a common thread that runs through each of our lives, it seems that so many people suffer in silence.

In fact, it’s surprising how many people suffer in silence. It became apparent when I shared my story about my health issues and my journey back to wellness. It was shocking how many people in turn shared their stories of quiet suffering. Frankly, it was heartbreaking. It seems that many of us live in a world lacking in the social bonds that can help us through the darker times in our lives.

I know this first hand. I’ve lived it when I was struggling with health issues, and honestly, there are times when I still suffer in silence.

Why do we do this?

Because we don’t want to be a burden. We don’t want to bother our friends and family. And we don’t want people to worry. Or because we don’t want to appear weak and show our frailties. And because we don’t want to look foolish complaining over seemingly unimportant problems when others in the world are suffering so much more than us. Maybe we’re afraid they won’t understand or they’ll think we’re being stupid. Nobody wants to be judged. Or perhaps we don’t have the network of friends or family who are willing or able to help us. Or all of the above.

I get it. I’ve been there. Sometimes I’m still there.

The loneliness we feel when we’re suffering in silence can be overwheming. Deafening. Makes you wonder if you’ll ever find your way back to the light.

Those are the times when it’s crucial to reach out. Reach out to someone who cares. Someone who will listen and support you without judging. Someone who will help to buoy you up when you’re threatening to go under.

But do you even have that person?

Sometimes I think that’s the hardest part. Finding your person. Finding your people. Your tribe.

If you have that person or have found your tribe in life, thank your lucky stars. That is a gift from the heavens above.

But if you don’t have even that one person to reach out to, where do you begin?

Begin by opening your heart to connection with other human beings and reach out. Reach out even when you feel like climbing into bed and not getting out again. Force yourself to reach out.

Is it easy to make and find friends as an adult? Perhaps for some, but probably not for most. Even though I’m a cheery, chatty individual, I don’t find it easy to open my heart and make friends. But we must begin.

We must begin to reach out and realize that it might be messy. Not all relationships will work well and some people will disappoint. But that’s all part of the process.

And where do you find these people?

Start where you are right now. Family, neighbors, work. Sometimes the lines get blurred. Be open to it. Find a group of people with similar interests – a book club, a crafting group, a bowling league, or hell, even beekeepers anonymous. Notice who you click with and begin to nurture those relationships.

What if you’re stuck in some way – maybe you’re ill or have little kids to attend to? Find an online community of people with similar interests. They’re out there. Because connection between humans is so very important to our well being. We are social animals and need to feel the support and love of our fellow humans.

And don’t just burden. You’ve got to be a little bit fun too. Trust me, I’ve worn down more than one friendship by only burdening and not adding at all to the fun quotient. Let’s be honest…sometimes your pain is too great to be fun. That’s the time to find some sort of counselor or therapist. Let them listen to some of the burden.

Don’t be afraid to categorize and weed out. Not everyone is going to be of soulmate quality. Go with it. Some people are just fun for superficial conversation or maybe even juicy gossip. That’s fine. Take those interactions for what they’re worth. Sometimes you can use the distraction from your own world.

And maybe family doesn’t cut it for you. Perhaps they are not going to be your best support network. Not everyone has a warm, loving, healthy family. Or maybe they’re warm and loving, but just not what you need. And as painful as that may be to accept, allow yourself to see it for what it is and move past it.

Eventually, you will build your circle. You will gather your tribe. Recognize that it will take time to build meaningful, supportive relationships, but over time you can and will, and even if the source of your suffering doesn’t go away, the source of your support will grow.

But most of all, please don’t suffer in silence. Share the burden. Even if it’s just in the comments on our blog. It’s a start. We care and we’re here for you.